


Playing With Dirt Is A Pointless Hobby, You Strange And Unfathomable Archeologist

by ileolai



Series: Actualfic [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 2011 oldfic, Collaboration, Eleven is a fool, F/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Snarky sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 14:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11557464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ileolai/pseuds/ileolai
Summary: Romance, intrigue, and miniature Zen gardens.





	Playing With Dirt Is A Pointless Hobby, You Strange And Unfathomable Archeologist

**Author's Note:**

> collabfic with Musedepandora.

Considering it had taken him years (YEARS!) to track down her university and then two hours wandering around campus (there were trees that tasted like bubblegum behind their Sentient Science building - how could he resist?), the Doctor was a little disappointed when he found her office. He wasn't exactly sure what he'd expected. A sphynx with an unbeatable riddle? A military compound mixed with a swanky jazz lounge? Certainly, he'd expect a death threat or indecent advance. Well, there was an interesting encounter with a Menoptra and a suggestive series of hand gestures, but he hardly felt that counted. Either way, he hadn't expected a generic, reinforced-plastic door with a little holographic placard reading: PROFESSOR RIVER SONG, Archeology and Time Studies. For a couple of minutes, the Doctor was insulted, sincerely insulted by how utterly conventional it all was. He even considered leaving in disgust. But he tried breaking in first.  
  
  
He really should have expected the lasers. And the crossbow.  
  
  
Naturally, when she entered her office ten minutes later, he was sitting in her chair, with his boots on her desk, slightly singed and in a decidedly playful mood. "Boo!"  
  
  
"Gah!" River Song actually jumped! and the years of search and the mild flesh wound were totally worth it.  
  
  
The Doctor grinned. "Miss me?"  
  
  
Her look seemed confused, somewhere between narrow-eyed aggravation and fond smirk. "You're not supposed to be here."  
  
  
"Why not?" he asked, throwing his feet off the desk since she didn't seem to mind and that had been the entire point. He found a pen to play with and began scratching Gallifreyan symbols into the wood grain of her desk. It seemed to be a habit, if all the other symbols he already will have left himself were anything to go by. Of course, he'd read and memorized all of them before she arrived. He was a little bit annoyed to find he wasn't going to leave himself any spoilers. Either that or River removed the interesting ones.  
  
  
"Why not leave the most dangerous man in the Universe alone in my office?" she replied, dropping a pair of muddy boots and a satchel in a corner. "Other than the obvious? Hmm. Because you look like a giant nine year old. And people will think I'm having an affair with a student if you follow me around."  
  
  
"Well we totally could," he muttered, scratching the series of circles and dots that made up his favourite dirty limerick. The hippo-like Severians of the 16th century really had the filthiest turn of phrase.  
  
  
"We could totally what?"  
  
  
"Have an affair. Just a suggestion."  
  
  
River scoffed but also closed and locked the door. "You're insufferable."  
  
  
"I take it that expression means 'Ooh, he's so charming.'" The Doctor tossed the pen aside, leaning back in her chair and giving his best "sexy professor" impersonation. "And I totally agree."  
  
  
River might have laughed at him, but she also began unbuttoning her blouse. "If you insist."  
  
  
Wow, he really hadn't expected that line to work so well. Hoped. But definitely didn't expect. At the sight of her bra, he giggled and forgot all the other (much better) lines he had been thinking up in his spare time.  
  
  
"Is it a little hot in here?" he asked.  
  
  
"No," she replied, tossing her shirt into the corner with her dirty boots and satchel. Then she began walking toward him. It wasn't that he was scared, per se. It was just that she was this huge space-time event, his maybe-sort-of-probably-future wife and his best friends' daughter all wrapped in one and they were obviously about to have sex and he'd promised himself he'd be cool about this.  
  
  
"What's that?" the Doctor asked. Which probably ranked up there with the 100 Worst Things to Say When Your Future Lover Takes Off Her Shirt, but he couldn't help himself. He'd seen something shiny out of the corner of his eye. Nervousness made him flighty. And lust made him rude.  
  
  
A second later, he was across the room, picking up and examining what he knew was the 48th Century's answer to a miniature Zen garden. "Why do you even have this? You are the opposite of zen. You are like the anti-zen. The ying to zen's yang, if you will. Which I hope you won't, because that was rubbish. But the point still stands. Or sits. On this little table." He heard River sigh and approach him from behind. The way she leaned against his back to reach around and grab for the little crystal container made him turn around in a gangly explosion of limbs. "Is this for practicing mucking around in the dirt when you're not out on field trips?" He held the piece above his head when she made another half-hearted swipe at it. "I can get a sandpit for the TARDIS if you need to roll around in filth that much. Archeology is a silly--"  
  
  
River's tongue in his mouth shut him up momentarily. He was getting used to this part, so he only flailed a little bit. He didn't even mind the fact that sand was definitely spilling into his hair.  
  
  
"--pastime for weird people." He continued as soon as she came up for air. "Okay, a minute ago you wanted me to leave and now you're doing things with your mouth and taking my trousers off."  
  
  
"I've had a bad day; I'd like some comfort. And I'm not allowed to kill people, so a shag will do, if you don't mind."  
  
  
"That's all well and good... but I've never actually, uh... 'comforted' you before." It was a little embarrassing how his voice had squeeked there, but it really was her fault, reaching into his pants completely without warning like that.  
  
  
"And...?"  
  
  
"I thought it would be more... gooey and romantic than your office, to be honest."  
  
  
"So you've thought about it."  
  
  
"Well..." Suddenly, an acute burning sensation in his cheeks, and he made some incoherent gestures for a moment before admitting, "Yes."  
  
  
"Do you think about gooey romance when you have a wank?"  
  
  
"I... not really, no." It was impossible for the Doctor to lie when River had her hand in his pants. Good to know.  
  
  
"So do you want gooey romance, or do you want  _se faire sauter_?"  
  
  
"Ce dernier est bon, merci."  
  
  
"Alrighty then." And honestly, it was better than fine. It was so much better than fine. If "fine" had a gorgeous, brilliant and more than slightly dangerous sister, that would be like having sex with River Song. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd been expecting (though he'd definitely thought about it enough) but this was so much better and realer than even his imagination. He could almost forgive the plastic door and that entirely too respectable name-plate.  
  
  
It wasn't five minutes later while River had him flat on his back on top of her desk that the Doctor opened his mouth and stuck his foot back in it. "River..."  
  
  
Bless her, she wasn't to be distracted and climbed onto him like this was a critical experiment. Perhaps, for her, it was. Even though that sent a spike of excitement through him, it didn't really solve the problem.  
  
  
"Yes?" She seemed to realize he couldn't be ignored.  
  
  
"The sand thing is  _really_  distracting."  
  
  
She twisted her hands in his shirt and pulled, sending buttons flying. "Wow, I thought that only happened in films!" he remarked.  
  
  
"Thank you, sweetie. Now, shut up."  
  
  
He nodded and for another minute, he was genuinely distracted by all the pieces of River tangled up with his own. But soon enough, there was the sort of unavoidable pause that always happened in real life during these situations where an inconvenient piece of clothing needed to be pulled or pushed aside and could he please move up just a bit, yeah, like that, thanks so much. And it wasn't like he could turn the thought off. He tried. He really did.  
  
  
"But you have a little box! WIth sand in it! Do you bury tiny little things in it to dig up later? Is it for practicing your pointless hobby?"  
  
  
"Shut up!" she half-laughed, half-moaned into his ear. It wasn't long before he was following suit, especially when she did that thing with her hips and - well. Yes. That. And. Ohh. "Comforting" River was quite fantastic, he decided. (And he also decided to pocket the Zen garden as soon as he had pockets again.)  
  
  
But they'd definitely be talking about that reinforced-plastic door and name-plate later.


End file.
